Lost. That's how I feel. It's been so long. *I miss her* We have rebuilt our friendship, but I doubt she wants anything more now. *I miss her* She was and still is the light of my day. Just a glimpse of her brightens my day. Just seeing her name appear on my phone from a text brings a smile to my face. Just to be near her is such a wonderful feeling. To have her smile at me is the most breathtaking wonder I have ever seen. Not only do I miss her, but I love her. With all the love in my heart that is mine to give, I love her. I would cross oceans if she asked it of me. I would do anything she wanted of me. *I miss her* I would do whatever it took just to have her look at me as she once did. That longing in her eyes, that feeling of love from her, that feeling of being hers and of her being mine. But alas, I don't think it will happen again. That look, that fire has left her eyes. Now when she looks at me it's just the empty look everyone else gets. *I miss her* There's nothing special directed towards me. I'm just another person in her life that was once something, but has been cast aside like an unwanted stuffed animal. Something that is there when she needs someone to listen, someone she knows will listen to her woes and heartaches. *I miss her* But does she see the hurt in my eyes? Does she understand the pain I feel to have once been invited into paradise and have known that which was better than my imagination could have ever thought of only to have been cast out? But not out of paradise, just outside of the gates. Close enough for me to still be around, to be able to look through the keyhole, and be taunted by that which I miss so dearly? To feel my heart ache with the pain my love for her causes? *I miss her*
Will I leave? *I miss her*Am I strong enough to turn my back on the best thing and the greatest source of my pain for the sake of my sanity? No, I don not believe I can. So instead, I will continue to stand just at the gates of paradise and spy through that keyhole. *I miss her* I will continue to subject myself to the pain of being so close to heaven and yet, not being able to experience it again. I will remain as I am, a "friend" to her. When things get rough, I am that shoulder for her to cry on. *I miss her* When she has heartaches and woes, I am that ear to listen to her speak and offer advice. When things go good I am that person she shares her joy with. But I am nothing more. I am just here for her when she needs something. *I miss her*
I wonder if I cross her mind during the day. *I miss her* Does she look at something and be reminded of me as I am reminded of her by the littlest of things? Does a song come on the radio and it brings back memories? For me there are songs that come on I can not listen to because of the memories, my eyes fill with tears.
Why? Why do I subject myself to such pain? Why can't I just walk away? The reasoning is as simple as this....
Because I miss her.