So, I've received several messages from people askin me about how I'm doin and why I haven't acted on the things I've written about because it's obvious I have feelings for someone. Instead of replying to every message independently, I decided to make a journal entry to let people have a glimpse into what I'm going through. I figure this way if others see it I can get more feedback or input. Here goes...

Ok...So I have a friend that I've known for about 9 years. I'll refer to her as "Amy". We knew each other in high school, but weren't really "friends". Granted I was physically attracted to her, but then again, I'm sure most guys were. Nine years ago I started working at a grocery store. She started there shortly after I did. We got to talking and quickly became good friends. I was still attracted to her and now that I was getting to know her, found myself liking her even more. Needless to say, she eventually met a guy and ended up marrying him. Shortly afterwords she quit her job to work elsewhere. We kept in touch via e-mail and messenger. We didn't keep in touch regularly, but we kept each other updated on our lives. I then met someone, and ended up marrying. A few years later, a mutual friend of mine and Amy's let me know that she had a thing for me. This was told to me and to my wife. My thoughts were kinda like "Oh, ok. We're now married but whatever". So Amy and I started messaging a little more and just basically flirting. Basically telling each other "gee, if only" and "I've always wondered what if...". Nothing happened. By now, everyone around Amy (myself included) has realized that her husband was a real ass. And after a while, she started to realize it too. So Amy and I hung out a few times. We went out to a move or two. My wife didn't like this because she knew Amy had a thing for me in the past. So we stopped hanging out. We still kinda kept in touch.

Fast forward to last summer.

Amy wised up and actually kicked her husband out. She and I start talking more again and she realizes just how much better off she is with him gone. She's now undergoing the whole divorce process.

Now here's when everything starts. About a month, month and a half ago, she calls me up at work and tells me she met this guy at work (she's now working on an air force base a short distance from here) and wanted my advice about him. I told her if she wanted to meet me during my lunch hour I'd be up for giving any advice she wanted. So she does show up and we're hanging out in the bed of my truck and she tells me all about him. Basically what it comes down to is that he'd be nothing more than a "booty call" guy. I explained that if that's what she wanted, then there was nothing wrong with it. We started to be swarmed with mosquitos, so we decided to continue out conversation in my truck. Once in my truck we started talking about us. About how we've always wondered how it could be between us. We always looked at each other as the "what if" person. Next thing I know, she's pulling me infor a kiss. A very passionate kiss. Needless to say, I kissed back. We come up for air and were speechless for a few minutes until she pulled me infor another. We talked after that and realized that if we ever did do anything together, once wouldn't be enough. We'd need to continually feed the desire. So we decided to just leave things as is.

About a week later we're talking on the phone and she asked me if I wanted to go hang out with her and her two kids (they're 7 and 5) at a park. I said sure and met up with them. We had a fun time. It was nice to hang out with Amy again. Over the next few weeks we started doing that more. Hanging out with her kids...taking them to parks, or out to eat. (In case you were wondering, I was doing this on my days off and when my wife was working.) Then last week we were at a park and when we went to leave, we kissed again. Just two soft brushing of lips. We said bye and we left. Then a few days later, she shows up at my work while I'm on lunch and we hang out again. This time as she's about to leave, I grab her by the arms and pull her into my. Pinning her against my truck and my body. I told her to kiss me and she did. She got into her car and I asked her if I had asked, could I have gotten more kisses when we were at the park. She said No, that we need to stop doing it because I was married. And the fact that I am married was too much for her. I told her I'd I understood.

This week I had 3 days off. (Tues, Wed, and Thurs) Tuesday, she calls me and asks if I want to join her and one of her sons at a local park area. We hung out for about an hour just walking along the trails holding hands. Afterwords she asked if I wanted to get together the next day and that I should pick where we woudl go. I told her to call me and depending on whether or not if she had the kids we'd decide what to do. So Wed afternoon she calls me and says it's going to be just the two of us. She suggests we go to the museum at the local university. We met there and it was an amazing time. Walking around holding hands, looking at the exhibits. After that we went out for dinner. After dinner we said our good byes. As we were hugging, things got a little "hot and heavy" standing out in the parking lot. Basically just me kissing down the side of her neck, nibbling as i followed her collerbone. We said bye and left. Then on Thursday, I call her up and ask if she wanted to hang out again. She said she was heading to Mcdonalds wiht her kids and I was welcome to join them. I met up the them and wathc her kids play in the play area. After that she wanted to show me a great view of the city from a hill on the edge of the city. (The view just happened to be from a cemetery) We went up there and walked around for a little while. Her kids were getting restless so she said she was going to take them home. She asked if I wanted to meet her back there in about 30 min. I agreed and sure enough we ended up walking around more of the cemetery. Then things got even more intense betwen us. (I have to admit, making out in a cemetery is AWESOME. lol) Nothing else happened, we stopped before we got too far into it. So we left and that was that. I sent her a tex in the morning telling her thanks for a great few days, and that I hope to have more.

Last night (Fri night) my wife and I have kind of a large fight. I've realized that for a while now I've been unhappy with our marriage. (note - Amy already knows I am unhappy) I finally tell her this. I do NOT tell her about me and Amy. But we argue for awhile until she heads to be because she had work early in the morning. I sent a text to Amy telling her we ha a fight. She askd if I wanted to meet at the local park area we walked around in. I said yeah, because I realized I needed to get out of the house and clear my head. So we meet up there and I end up just venting. Telling her about everything my wife and I fought about, about little things that irk me. We were out talking for almost 3 hours. We eventually got on the topic of us. She said that we need to stop what we were doing. At least until I figure out what it is I want. That if my wife and I do end up separating, Amy wants me to make sure I know what I want.

Truthfully, at this point in time, I want Amy. The feelings I had when we hung out, how my day gets brighter with the sight of her, that is what I want. I don't get that feeling from my wife anymore, and doubt I'll ever get it back. My wife tonight told me she wants to work on things. To see if we can get back to the way we were when we frst got together. We'll see.

So there you go, that is a brief (lenghty, but concise) narrative of what has been going on with me. Sorry for ti to be so long...really.

Any input?